Once again I find myself distracted from God. Lately, I find that I have been avoiding reading scripture and that I feel a little bitter. Interesting how I do that. Perhaps it seems that I am not that different from Adam and Eve in that they too hid from God and tried to cover themselves. Have I sinned? Yes, I sin every day! Well, it all started in March when August did NOT get the promotion we were hoping for from UPS. Previously, I had been spending time talking with God, reading scripture and even taking time to play my guitar and sing praises to Him with my children sitting in front of me. How beautiful that was! We don’t have a lot, but I was SO happy. I had just had a baby, my toddler was content, and life seem orderly to some extent. August wasn’t working two jobs yet. I had felt so confident that he would be promoted to a full-time supervisor at UPS. Having spent time in prayer, I felt utterly assured that God was going to take care of us and a peace came over me too. I felt that God was moving in our lives and that He was going work something wonderful in August’s life as well…that his work would finally be blessed! Well, May came when the promotion was supposed to be announced. We came back from vacation in and instead of good news awaiting my husband as he went back to work, another supervisor was there awaiting to give him MORE directions!! But wait!! Wasn’t that supposed to be for August???!! My heart sank as I read a text from my hubby stating, “didn’t get the job..back to work.” Oh how discouraging. We’ve been waiting for almost two years now for that promotion and when it finally seemed we were close and out of the clouds another storm hit and boy did it hit hard. I was happy. I tried my hardest to stay positive and to encourage my husband. I said things like, “I don’t care if we don’t have a house,” or “I will support you no matter what!” Well, ultimately I don’t care and I still support my wonderful love, BUT where did my joy go? God, why are you so quiet all of a sudden?? Weren’t You just encouraging me and reigning your love and joy upon me? Now all of a sudden it just seems gloomy and that everything bad is being dumped on me. Not only is August working two jobs, he is physically exhausted and actually has permanent knots in his muscles because he has no relief!! Weren’t we supposed to get relief?? Now it’s worse than before!! So now you somewhat understand my dilemma. Truth is, I just feel let down. I don’t understand what God is doing! I know and I trust that He intends good for us. So what have I learned from this trying experience? I have learned how fallen I am. I have learned that I can’t hold it together all the time. I can’t be the rock for my family. God is showing me that HE is my rock. I have learned to be content in all things as Paul was.
Philippians 4:10 But I rejoiced in the Lord greatly, that now at the last your care of me hath flourished again; wherein ye were also careful, but ye lacked opportunity.
11 Not that I speak in respect of want: for I have learned, in whatsoever state I am, therewith to be content.
12 I know both how to be abased, and I know how to abound: every where and in all things I am instructed [NIV: I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation] both to be full and to be hungry, both to abound and to suffer need.
13 I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me.
Perhaps my life will never be free of trial. But, God is teaching me through all of this that now more than ever I need to seek Him. I can definitely be happy and love God when everything is going my way. But can I be content and happy and love Him even when it’s not? As hard as it is this is what I want my children to learn. I want them to see their mother praising God even in the midst of struggle. This is what is important. What example am I showing them? Am I a complainer when the road gets bumpy? Yes, but I don’t want to be….Am I sometimes bitter? Yes, but I don’t want to be!! I find myself praying as David prayed in Psalm 51:10. “Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me.” Now more than ever I need God. He is that steadfast Spirit. Amen. So, as you see God is teaching me daily that I can not rely on my own strength. I can not rely on my own wisdom. I need Him. Perhaps He has something greater for us and that the way I would bless myself is not the way He intends to bless us. So I wait. I will wait on God. I will be real and open that I am fallen and far from perfect. My peace comes from knowing that I don’t have to have it all together. God does.